A classification rant!

"Science is not an exact science" ~ the Doctor

I am a huge BBFC nerd: I read books about cinema's treatment of the major nasties, argue for hours about whether things are correct, can quote you their handbook verbatim and have even been to see talks. Normally, my dedication falls with righteous anger and furious vengeance whenever I feel they've got it wrong. Which is very, very rarely: as an institution, I trust them.
Except for Casino Royale and The Dark Knight. And now, it's Doctor Who's turn.

OK, so I'm still shellshocked from this afternoon. But answer me this: why is Attack of the Cybermen rated U?

U means everyone can watch it. To my mind, PG means pretty much OK for everyone, but it does have an edge. Your kids should be fine, but they might be a little bit worried. You shouldn't be concerned at all about a U - if a film does have some areas of potential concern, that's what makes it PG. Right? Let's see what the BBFC have to say about PG:

General viewing, but some scenes may be unsuitable for young children. Unaccompanied children of any age may watch. A ‘PG’ film should not disturb a child aged around eight or older. However, parents are advised to consider whether the content may upset younger or more sensitive children.

To my mind, most Doctor Who episodes are at about this level. And I'm supported by the BBFC in this: the collection is a mix between U and PGs. Most of the time, I'm behind them: Deadly Assassin, Two Doctors and Caves of Androzani are three PG rated episodes, and they're three which have actually concerned me. I'd think twice about the age of my child. That's what PG means - they are going to be fine, but do think about it. Now let's look at U:

It is impossible to predict what might upset any particular child. But a ‘U’ film should be suitable for audiences aged four years and over. U films should be set within a positive moral framework and should offer reassuring counterbalances to any violence, threat or horror.

It's clear that the three episodes mentioned above do not fall into this catagory. But what of Attack of the Cybermen? Is it reassuring? No, it's nihilistic and depressing. Does it have a positive moral framework? No. The Doctor requests his companion shoot an unarmed man, massacres some Cybermen and beats up a series of unfortunates. Granted it's not that bad, but it's still the bloodiest episode of Doctor Who ever. It's just not a U. I identified it as a Earthshock-Resurrection-Androzani hybrid - three PG rated episodes.

It's at least as bad as those three. True, it lacks their sustained dark, nasty atmosphere -but it also has some seriously sadistic hand-crushing. I recognise that in the case of several episodes I regard as scary, it's my adult perspective going into overdrive. A child might not get what was so horribly wrong about Planet of Fire. The things which are wrong about Attack of the Cybermen are out there and in the open - obvious things, like disintigrating Cryons, dribbly gore and the Doctor lashing out at whatever is in his way. If you don't believe me, look up the Doctor Who Review Guide page for this episode. Obviously, my review touches on the level of violence - it's my personal hobby horse - but so does every other one on there.

Attack of the Cybermen is only picked up for "violence: some, very mild". Not what I'd call it, but let's do some more comparisons.

Arc of Infinity: PG, and this I do not understand at all.

Four to Doomsday: wouldn't have struck me, but they pick it up for "infrequent, mild violence" and "infrequent, mild horror", which I suppose is fair.

Tomb of the Cybermen - deserves it's PG, but I'm listing it here because the box claims it contains "some, mild sex and nudity". Really?

Enlightenment: "Contains mild violence and threat" Probably deserves this, as it is creepy, but I'm having difficulty remembering any act of mild violence to compete if Attack is "very mild"

Planet of Fire: "violence: once, mild". Justified, I feel. But I think Attack of the Cybermen is worse.

Trial of a Timelord: no reason given, but it does have a worrying atmosphere throughout.

Ghost Light: no reason again, but I suspect the stuffed vicar and all around creepiness.

Maybe these things are being judged more on mood, not detail? Four of those do brood very heavily - Attack of the Cybermen has a lighter touch, except when being sadistic and vicious.

I'll change my tune for a moment to look at the highest rated episodes. That's how this all began - I know some classic episodes are rated 12, and I wondered for a moment if Attack was one of them. More fool me. The below are all rated 12.

The TV Movie - was passed at a 12, but with cuts. I think it was neck-snapping that tipped it into the 15 catgory. I'm happy with this rating. yet if The TV Movie was one minute and six seconds away from a 15, it worries me further about how badly wrong the Dark Knight's 12A rating is.

Silence in the Library - "moderate fantasy horror", justified I feel, although The Empty Child is still a PG. I think that was scarier than the Vashta Nerada - but I suppose the nodes, and Miss Evangelista dying all combine. Yes, this is very just.

Tooth and Claw - "moderate horror and violence" My 7-year-old cousin is just terrified of Werewolves since this episode.

Planet of the Ood - "one gory moment". Can only be Halpen's transformation. It's occured to me before that that's a bit much.

Dalek - "violence: frequent, moderate" Undoubtedly deserved, and good to see the Daleks getting a genuinely nasty runaround.

The Unquiet Dead - "Infrequent, mild violence, moderate supernatural horror" - not sure anyone can dispute this one either.

Doctor's Daughter - "moderate threat". Now this is a bit funny. Really? Longtime readers will know I loathe this episode with every fibre of my being. Still, is it really 12 rated threatening?

The Beginning Boxset - this is for special features, not the episode - "one use of language, strong". The only thing I can think of is maybe a scene from Celestial Toymaker which innocently drops an n-bomb as part of a charming 1960s children's rhyme. The audio release of the story has rightly dubbed the offending word over, but that's the only single strong use of language I could possibly connect with this series. That or simply a foul mouthed interviewee.

I think all of those are fair judgements. I don't think Attack of the Cybermen justifies a 12, no matter how much of a shock it gave me. I do strongly maintain, however, that the U is far, far too soft. I had to watch part of that episode through my fingers, and I don't think of myself as squeamish.

While doing some research for this post, I turned up two other Us that concerned me a little. These were Army of Ghosts and Pyramids of Mars. Although Doomsday is a PG, and it's Yvonne's death that I'm thinking of, so maybe it's in part 2.

Anyway. Geeky geekery finished with.

Decent men in an indicent time

I just rediscovered this essay, which came out as an angry word-vomit after some Fifth Doctor reviews rubbed me the wrong way in the small hours of the morning (24-10-08, 2:40AM). I remain amazed how articulate it is, and has only benefited from polish I've just given it, in the midst of writing academic coursework. I don't intend this essay to come out as a criticism of any other Doctor - all of whom I would praise as highly, for very different reasons. I merely believe this three year period was played to perfection and am constantly frustrated by the amount of criticism and misunderstanding it gets. Also bear in mind that this was begun in anger, and completed in controlled anger. In normal circumstances, my stance is a little bit more moderate. Not by much.

And if I ever meet the man who claimed that my opinions on Peter Davison didn't count 'cus I was a girl again, he's going to get a slap.

Back when my classic buying was erratic and sparse, when the Doctor would reference events we did not understand or companions we'd never met, we dreamed of watching an entire classic series in order - as originally broadcast, savouring the cliffhangers and soaking up the atmosphere. For continuity more than anything else - Sontaran Experiment's length means that you can waste most of an episode wondering where the hell the TARDIS was, and what was this Nerva thing anyway if watched out of the blue.

I'm past that now, because my buying is more focused towards villains or companions I recognise, and my grasp of the wider mythology is better. It still crosses my mind every now and then - and there are only a few sensible candidates, considering the ones I've almost completed. There's season 12, with Harry, and it'd be nice to sort out that continuity once and for all. Or season 19, again because of the little tags which allow story to story to blend into one unit. And finally, season 21 - both the very best and very worst of candidates. The best, because thematically as well as for continuity, it deserves to be watched in one go. And the worst, because at the end of the 12 weeks, I might kill myself.

This is at the heart of why I love S21 - what I consider to be a series of unbroken excellence only rivalled by the 7 episode run between Human Nature and Time Crash. What a soul destroying experience it all is.

Warriors of the Deep really gives me a few minutes of genuine misery at the end of the episode. Resurrection, about half an hour. By the time you get to Caves, we are talking days, because if you're keeping score at home, this is the moment the "nicest" Doctor gets dropped into some of the least pleasant episodes of all time.

It's the contrast that kills. A certain correspondant on Pagefillers uses the "dump any doctor in another doctor's episode" approach to argue that PD is a bad doctor. And maybe he has a point, depending on your conception of who the Doctor should be. But conversely, when it comes to S21, no other Doctor would work, nor make it so involving. The clue is in the cricket, because this is the moment he realises the rest of the universe will not play ball.

Because with any other Doctor, S21 would last about 45 minutes. You could certainly chop three episodes out of Warriors of the Deep (mind you, might come as a relief to some), because no other Doctor would resist using the hexachromide that long. And maybe, numerically, they'd be right to do so. But then the main charm of the episode would be gone - an ending which is both a success and a failure on so many different levels. Now maybe you can use this decision as fodder for why he's an inferior edition. The point is, you're talking about it.

And that is at the core of why I love the Fifth Doctor and his era, for challenging our easy assumptions about the role. The Doctor is an atrocious hypocrite - we can see that easily - so actually putting the Doctor through the thinking process for his actions was a novelty, putting that very controvosy into the show. He steps back and tries to work out the "best" way to act. We can debate whether there's a difference between 4 gassing Solon and 6 gassing Shockeye, but now the Doctor's thinking about it too.

The Fifth Doctor spends three seasons utterly defiant in the face of what he fights against. The two words that come to mind are very heroic, and very brave. You might say, "well, they're all heroic" - to which my response is, "they're all compassionate idealists too..." I'm talking about a particular type of moral courage. It's one thing for the Doctor to risk his life for his beliefs. It's another thing to risk other people's lives.

Now what is this? Cowardice, as Davros suggests - certainly there is an element of not wanting to take that step on a personal level. Indecision - but who's interested in watching a guy who has all the answers?

Yet there is a bravery in not compromising your beliefs. Steve Moffat, wonderfully, described him as a better man than the universe he was trying to save. Even as the situations get darker, he remains reliable. The type of person you'd want to rescue you, if you didn't also know that as an extra in a Peter Davison story, your life span is equivalent to that of a Spinal Tap drummer. He's letting these things happen, but surely there's a nobilty in trying to do it properly? The New Adventures might trot out "he who fights monsters might become a monster himself, and when you look into the abyss the abyss looks also into you." on a regular basis, but it's 5 we really feel it for - because by the end, he's not the person he wanted to be. The moment when, finally, he gets it "right" in Planet of Fire by letting the Master fry is not glorious, nor is it a relief - it's horrible. Even his treatment of Turlough and Kamelion in that episode would not, with any other Doctor, seem so shockingly wrong.

That alone suggests the whole "nice-compassionate-innocent" thing, all those poor criticisms dragged out every time, have some serious merit to them - and I intend to attack them one at a time.

Let's start with "he's too young!", or the argument that he's regressed. The Doctor does this every now and then - 8 and 10 are exactly the same. He gets into a dark cycle, and then one day he regenerates and it's a breath of fresh air. Canonically, if you had spent a hundred years feeling like the Fourth Doctor - all crazy grins and confidence - then suddenly, you weren't any more, you'd want to reexamine and rethink. It's like having the carpet dragged from underneath you, and having to work out from scratch who you are and what you stand for.

I actually love the age vs. youth dynamic. The Doctor always arrogantly assumes authority wherever he goes - the problem is, the Fifth can't get away with it any more. This is most notable in Four to Doomsday. In the first episode, he is happy ordering his companions around - but this soon stops working, and by the final episode he is politely asking Adric whether or not he wants to help out. "Seemed young for his age," he muses of Bigon, obviously unsure what to make of his own appearance.

The same dynamic emerged in the early 70s. Jon Pertwee is obviously far older when he takes the role, but his Doctor is far younger. Kung fu! Girls in miniskirts! Cars! Gadgets! Even the dashing dressing. He hasn't noticed that his appearance, in human terms, means he shouldn't behave like that. In contrast, Castrovalva sees the Doctor whip out reading glasses, and spend the whole time in a wheelchair. Despite the fact he is conventionally attractive, all his companion relationships are completely paternal, particularly with orphans Adric, Nyssa and Turlough, and a father figure for Peri. This is another strong contrast to the Third Doctor: Jo Grant and Sarah Jane are two of the most easy to ship companions of all time. As an old, wise being, stranded with an adorable appearance and forced to fight for those things he always took for granted, he is never unconvincing.

I hope these aren''t the same people who bash Ainley's Master for being too similar to Delgado's, I really hope they're not. Regeneration allows a totally new direction, and preferences between Doctors are character, not performance based. They're not playing it the same way, and if they were trying to, then it would be far clearer who succeeded and who failed. This way, it's far more down to the hero you want to see.

And this is mine, more or less. It frustrates me to read critiques of 5's character, because they identify as bad the same things which I find charming.

What is wrong with a Doctor who tries to have a nice time? Let it not be forgotten that the first two doctors were merely on a joyride of the universe, the Third was dragged kicking and screaming into adventure, and the Fourth just couldn't help getting into trouble.

A bit rubbish? This is at the core of why he's great. His Doctor is completely rubbish a lot of the time, but who wants a hero who has it easy? You know he can screw up, and more importantly, so does he. Instant tension, instant drama. They even junk the sonic screwdriver early on - the security blanket is gone. Two episodes later, they kill a companion* for the first and only time.

Adric's death does not come of any act of the Doctor's - he behaves just as he always has. It's the world which has suddenly got mean, and it won't be easier from here onwards.

*excluding Katarina, Kamelion and Sarah Kingdom for not being companions; excluding Peri and Jack for coming back to life; exclusing Rose and Donna for not actually being dead despite any number of limp prophecies.

And he feels things between episodes - your capability is my callousness. He tries to reason with everyone in Warriors of the Deep, it doesn't work, so in Resurrection of the Daleks, he breaks out the gas at the first oppertunity; but he can't bring himself to kill Davros, and evidently spends some time mulling over that before he next bumps into the Master for Planet of Fire because of the choices he eventually makes in that episode. Cause, effect, and the suggestion of a process between our weekly 25 minute dose.

It's often brushed off as "naive", but I feel that is over-simplistic. He knows the universe is filled with evil, he can just never shake that sincere sense of horror every time he finds it. Steve Moffat rightly identifies that if he didn't really, honestly feel it every single time, he'd have stayed at home like the rest of us do when there's a war on, instead of chasing off to right wrongs. At this point, he's been facing evil all over the galaxy for half a century, and again and again, no matter how many times he wins, nothing changes and there is always more bloodshed. This strikes me as far more natural a reation: to become reflective about the merits and methods of his lifestyle, walking around with the weight of the universe of his shoulders, compared to other incarnations who will happily step over bodies.

Wet? No - merely sane. If the Doc is cheerily smiling away and dancing around the villain, then I can't get all that bothered about any supposed dangers. The Third Doctor had things to say about facing your fears, and one of the true treats of the Fifth Doctor era is that when evil rears its ugly head, you can tell he's scared - but that's not going to stop him, not for a moment.

In short, it's about the quality of heroism. If you are an invulnerable superman, diving into a burning building means far less than if you are aware of very real limitations, that you are flawed and fallible.

And ultimately he knows it. Why is Caves of Androzani a great episode? Hundreds of reasons, but for our purposes, today I'm voting that it's a perfect departure because it evolves naturally out of everything that's gone before. Now of course, it's an adorably Fiveish thing to do to throw away his life for someone he's only just met, but I find it hard to believe that any other Doctor in the circumstances wouldn't have done the same. Yet it's the buildup that really sells it.

At its most simplistic, this is a Doctor who absolutely cannot lose another friend under his charge, with Earthshock peeping around every corner. Yet, thematically, I think the true payoff is about interferance. We've established that he very rarely got the balance right between violence and mercy. If Planet of Fire is the moment he compromises, then Caves is a demonstration that he simply no longer cares. He doesn't help the good guys, or hinder the bad guys - as if anyone could work out which were which - and focuses on one good action, simple and without stain. He's decided who he is - or at any rate, what he isn't. The working title for Caves of Androzani was Chain Reaction. I've always liked that.

Each Doctor regards himself as superior to his predecessors, but there is a sense of undeniable relief in "change, my dear, and not a moment too soon." In this way, regeneration approaches the human conception of past lives: earlier incarnations who have each had a lesson to learn, understanding it before moving on through death to a new life, one which has the advantage of that knowledge. The contradictions and complications played out across PD's three years have already evolved into a new direction in Season 21, but regeneration crystalises them. I'd almost argue that Planet of Fire was the Fifth Doctor's final episode - the out-of-character arrogance and determination of Caves only lacks Colin Baker's multi-colour dreamcoat. Death merely makes the change a cleaner break. The Sixth Doctor learns from his predecessor's experimentation, action over hesistation, certainty instead of introspection, and the strength to brush over mistakes and plough on for his clear conception of justice. Which also gets criticised by all and sundry, but I'll leave my defence of that for another day.

The usual criticisms are not necessarily incorrect, merely approached from the wrong direction. The Fifth Doctor stood for something better, something he very rarely achieved. Yet he remains admirable for trying, regardless of success or failure. He's a hero precicely because it is never easy.

And finally, I'm going to get personal, Mr Tim Miner of Pagefillers, since your grossly unfair character critique has kept me up to the small hours of the morning:

"He doesn't rush headlong into danger" (you say of the man whose first response in The Awakening is to plunge into a collapsing cloister to save a stranger? Who thinks it's a good idea to dive out of a spaceship without a spacesuit in Four to Doomsday? Who attempts to crash land a space-freighter while dying, simply to save a friend? My goodness, I could probably find you an example of this in most episodes)

"He doesn't rig up a lot of gadgets" (True: the only things which come close are Nyssa's sonic booster, and breaking the control box in Terminus. I would argue, however, that this is not a vital Doctor trait. It's certainly not the second thing I think when someone says "Doctor".)

"He doesn't seem to be driven by insane curiosity." ("Hmmm, big empty spaceship with no air. This way Tegan!", "No, Tegan, we can't leave, I want to find more about King John!", "Oooh Turlough, why don't we find out what that blip is on the scanner?", "Come on Peri, race you to those blowholes?")

"He doesn't seem to want to fight evil at any cost." (Bullshit...)

"He doesn't drop names" (no, not so often, but again - is this a vital Doctor trait? It's certainly common, but if you want to define the core of the character this is merely cosmetic. He doesn't have curly hair either.)

"He doesn't seem to be driven by a desire to see everything the universe has to offer" (wrong! He is driven by a desire to see the nice bits of the universe. He takes Tegan to see her grandfather, attempts to take her to her future and goes to a costume party merely to play cricket.)

"He lets himself get locked up and doesn't try to pick the lock" (...but from strength, not weakness. He always learns far more from smiling politely and going along with things - it's his own brand of Troughton's disarming daftness. Think getting executed in Arc of Infinity to meet Omega, not rocking the boat in Black Orchid to get a better grip of the situation and tricking Stein into revealing the Dalek plan and that Davros is aboard, all while moments from a sticky death in Resurrection of the Daleks. He can escape in his own sweet time. Don't forget that playing along, either for time or for an advantage, is also as key a Doctor trait. Off the top of my head, the Second Doctor "well now I know you're crazy" in Tomb of the Cybermen, the Seventh Doctor more than once in Curse of Fenric, the Third Doctor's act with the Master in Claws of Axos are three that come to mind, but there are many many more.)

"He doesn't tell madmen and dictators where they can get off" (again, I think this is a grossly unfair statement, and there's a Tereleptil, Cyberleader, Davros, Sharaz Jek and an Eternal naming himself as Striker queuing to see you. Also, see the above point: staying silent is often as smart as shouting)

"His companions aren't just along for the ride, they often dictate his activities." (This is undeniably true. What isn't necessarily concrete is where this is a good or bad thing. Mr Miner obviously sees it as bad, and I certainly agree it's different. But I like it. How many fufilling relationships have you had when one of the group makes the decisions and has all the fun, with the others are just hanging about? It creates a far more complex dynamic in the TARDIS. It's also overlooked, but he also bullies and orders his companions about far more than any other Doctor. They feel they have the right to question his decisions, as a result of his apparent youth. Take Earthshock - the Doctor is in control, but he cares enough for Adric to let him make him that angry. He doesn't simply say no: it's about persuading him that he is wrong. And please, no one deny that we had five fantastic companion departures. But I concede that this, at least, is a matter of personal opinion)

And here ends the damn lesson. Time for me to go to bed.

And now let's meet the eight, who are going to regenerate

So I've been angsting, but the fact remains that regeneration is something I'm qualified to talk about, having seen a greater percentage of regenerations than anything else (i.e. Dalek episodes, companion entry/departure episodes, episodes with "Time" in the title...).

So overanalysing what's going to be goin' down next year, what are the key features of a decent, final turn in the scarf?

It should be a GOOD EPISODE
Obviously - Planet of the Spiders is something of a let down, as regenerations go, because your sadness is overwhelmed by your relief that the damn thing is over. There's naturally a runaway winner in this catagory, but let's just pause to remember just how brilliant it really is, start to finish.



It should be FAIR TO THE NEW GUY

...who we're ALWAYS going to hate on sight, no matter how hard you try. But let's not make the process any worse than it needs to be? The Christmas Invasion does this brilliantly - by keeping Tennant out of the action, by the time he wakes up the situation is so dire you're just glad to see the Doctor - any Doctor! Relief smooths over any qualms one might have had.

It should be ALL ABOUT DEATH

Or should that be all about change? Logopolis-Castrovalva, a pair of episodes which can't be praised highly enough, never let you forget what they're doing - saying goodbye to the old Doctor, with the presence of the Watcher throughout, and welcoming the new. This process spans all eight episodes. Compare, if you like, Planet of the Spiders and Robot - which clearly want to get that actor-swapping process over as quickly as possible, to better get onto something with tentacles.

In a slightly more downbeat approach, Caves teases us throughout - "shooting" him in the first cliffhanger, and then proceeding to put him in virtually constant pain and/or danger for the next three parts - the underlying irony being that it doesn't matter how many times he dodges death, it's all heading that way anyway.

It should be THEMATICALLY SATISFYING

No just popping it in at the end, like an afterthought. It should be part of a culmination of everything that has come before. In that sense, the regeneration is a rebirth. Parting of the Ways is perfect for this reason - in rejecting the destruction of Earth, the events of the Time War have come full circle, and the angry "stupid apes" Doctor we are introduced to has found a sort of peace with his actions. You even feel you deserve that kiss.


Planet of the Spiders is the chief criminal of this approach - it's a shame the ultimate "face your fears" moral wasn't looped into earlier episodes. In returning the Master, Logopolis does have a stab at this - one last hurrah with a major villain, yet one who is utterly changed from the charming gent of the late 60s. It's a different world the Doctor is moving into. Caves too faces the thematic hurdle beautifully - after Earthshock, this is a Doc who absolutely positively cannot let Peri get hurt. You could also say it's the ultimate expression of the nastier the locale, the worse the Fifth Doctor fares - his major sucesses always seem to have a green tree within 100 metres, while the major botch-ups all occur on grim spacestations. I've always assumed, for lack of a better solution, that the backfiring Megabite Modem in the Fantasy Factory addled the Sixth Doctor's insides. This makes the Valeyard responsible, and I'm not sure there's anything more thematically apt than that. Seven too, as discussed below, gets a suitable passing.


It should STRIKE A BALANCE

I couldn't find a better way to put this: this is upsetting stuff. Typically, the production team either seem to attempt to make things as comforting as possible, or seemingly attempt to see just how traumatised they can leave their audience. One approach isn't necessarily more valid than another - I love Logopolis because, while it's sad and all, it does feel magesterial and bittersweet, and he's smiling. I've always regarded him as already on the way out - hence the presence of the Watcher - so you do feel that yes, the moment is prepared for and everything's going to be OK. Yet I also have admiration for the "...just when you thought things couldn't get any worse" school of regenerations, in all their Puccini-playing, blowhole-exploring, milk-drinking awfulness. Because it's unpleasant, and because it's ironic, and in the context of a kids TV show, making death a nasty painful process is a very brave thing to do.


Yet speaking as someone who actually has to go out and make a cup of tea during the TV Movie, however, it's possible that that one goes too far. My critical juices adore the irony of the Cosmic Chessmaster being cut down out of the blue and completely by accident, then dying through a non-heroic medical botch up. It's cruel, it's post-modern - it's too hard to watch.


To my mind, Planet of the Spiders gets it just right, because you have the comfort factor of his address to Sarah Jane, not to mention the Brigadier's aside, yet it's coupled with the sheer unpleasantness of radiation as a way to go (not helped by Paul Cornell's retconning of an extra eight years in the TARDIS home) and the crushing sadness of an unfinished "where there's life there's...". Not too cosy, but not too upsetting either.


It should JUST FEEL RIGHT


A culmination, then - not too sweet, not too sour, suited to the Doctor and his past adventures, yet leaving room for the new one to slot in alongside.




So what does this leave for 10?


It's going to be BIG and it's going to be CHEESY and the strings are going to make it THE SADDEST THING IN THE WORLD. Even though I can critically say that the best deaths are ironic and nasty, and that maybe it would be nice to do a "small" regeneration story - I'm not sure that a huge RTD-fest isn't genuinely what I want. In other words, I may actually have a breakdown if they go for the full Androzani, and take comfort from the fact it's almost 99% certain they won't.


I'd look to Logopolis for my template - with the whole story being set up with foreshadowing throughout, and that great heavy sense of loss and passing. And while it's very sad and very moving, it isn't too too traumatic, especially compared to other regenerations I could mention. He goes, saving pretty much everything in the process.


And if we're doing Tom Baker parallels, losing our immensely popular Doctor to this suspiciously young pretender, then why not bring the Master back just once more? He really is DT's ultimate villain, especially considering we really can't do Daleks yet again. And bringing him back would give the whole thing some serious thematic punch. We're almost certainly going to have one of those flashback montages, although it's seriously doubtful whether I'll be able to see the screen for Kleenex by that point. I'm quite upset by the idea he's going to be all on his own, but that doesn't mean I think bringing an old companion back is a good idea. Not in the slightest. Especially not Rose. Jack might work, now he's turning into the new series Brigadier.



God. All that came out pretty sane and lucid. Maybe I'll be able to cope after all :)

Pwning the BBC FAQ

It doesn't surprise me that people are asking the questions, but there is something so patronising in some of the answers that it deserved a little mockery.

http://www.bbc.co.uk/doctorwho/s4/faq/jobs.shtml


Genuine questions:


How do I know Doctor Who is safe for my children to watch?
It’s a children’s show, tosspots. However, if we actually make an episode for children – Aliens of London, say – then we will be crucified by angry classic fans, who remember the challenging creations such as the Cybermats, Myrka or Kandyman...

Can I put Doctor Who on YouTube or distribute it via file sharing services such as Bittorrent?
No, but we know you’re going to do it anyway.


I missed an episode of Doctor Who. Can you send me a DVD?
No.

Where is Doctor Who filmed? Can I visit them filming the show?
No

Where is Doctor Who filmed? Can I visit the set?
No

Will Doctor Who ever be filmed in HD (High Definition)?
No

Every question related to getting involved in the show

No, a polite no, but still no.


I want to make the Doctor's Coat. Can I have the plans and materials used?
How does the Doctor get his hair like that? What wax/gel does he use?
How can I get a pair of glasses just like the Doctors?


We are going to politely decline to answer these questions; but the BBC do record every email we get for staff purposes (i.e. laughing at them during tea breaks)


Are the Time Lords really dead?
We don't know


What exactly happened in the Time War?
We don't know.

What about the Master? How can he survive/come back?
We don't know. "At this time there are no current plans for his return." Which is exactly the same statement we were given before Utopia. And just after.

How many regenerations does the Doctor have?
Genuine quote: "Now that his people are gone, who knows? Time Lords used to have 13 lives."

Translate: "Now that the franchise is making the BBC megabucks, who knows? Time Lords used to have 13 lives, but only since Mawdryn Undead; and as that screws up UNIT continuity, I think we can ignore it entirely."

Will this monster/character ever return to Doctor Who?
If we think we can sucessfully re-milk the merchandise

Is Captain Jack Harkness really the Face of Boe? Jack can't die, but the Face of Boe does. How come? How can he become Pregnant?
RTD was making it up as he went along


What were the Doctor's last words to Rose in the episode 'Doomsday'?
"...have herpes"


And this one, I quote in full, because it is hilarious:

Is the Doctor half-Human?

Yes, on his mum's side. It was established in the Doctor Who TV Movie; however purists tend to disregard this.

Scary Moments: The Valeyard

But first, I want to talk about Through the Dragon's Eye - an adventure from the Look and Read team that's traumatised me for life ever since we were shown it at primary school. It was good sub-Narnia stuff - children are taken to save a fantasy world because (and here's the education) they can read and the locals aren't, and they need to read the book of the Veetacore to put some big mystical McGuffin back together before the world disintigrates. Or something. I watched this when I was 8 or 9, and remember it with the terrifying clarity which you might recall your first Dalek, or The Singing Ringing Tree or something. Things which scare you in your youth never really go away.

As I discovered when, miraculously, one of my senior school friends not only remembered it, she had it on video. Coming back to face a childhood nightmare is the type of thing recommended by sadistic shrinks only in the most tedious movies; and yet there we were, on a sweet sixteen sleepover, reliving one of the most brilliant and terrifying experiences of my youthful years.

You can tell by body language when someone is scared. I generally curl up and try to vanish into the sofa. The reappearance of Charn, Dragon's Eye's villain, had me behind a cushion. And that's nothing on my friend's reaction.

The Valeyard has exactly the same effect on me, and he hasn't been lodged in my subconscious for 10 years. Is it the chilling delivery? His implacable expression? Or just the discovery that part of the Doctor's mind is given to wearing black, saying "my dear" and chuckling after all? Even the Trial of a Timelord theme tune gives me a little thrill.


That he presents a genuine threat to the Doctor helps - Trial-Doctor is completely powerless to influence the events on screen, producing a sense of helpless onlooking the entire way through - like watching the ship crash in Earthshock, or the TARDIS fry in Journey's End - but worse, because it's already happened.


The threat of a council of Timelords is also far scarier than any number of armed opponents. There's no way he can talk his way out of this one, make a quick escape, happen upon a ventilation duct or make a break for it. The immediate danger is less - but there's no point at which he is entirely safe.

He manages to actually reduce the Doctor to a stunned silence for most of Mindwarp - the number of people who've ever succeeded in shutting him up this completely can surely be counted on the fingers of one hand? And Six is meant to be the belligerent one. He knows more than the Doctor too, another unusual situation - his true identity, for one thing; all the Gallifrey background; what's really going on in the Matrix. The revelation in Ultimate Foe makes it all twice as bad - the endless fun of multi-Doctor squabbling takes on a sinister turn, as the Valeyard looks on his former self with icy distaste, and knows exactly how to make him bleed. Peri is case in point. And after 90 minutes of "I have to save Peri!" in Caves, the Doctor's total indifference and declaration that he values his own life over hers becomes even harder to watch (incidentally, Mindwarp along with Curse of Fenric are eligible for the Planet of Fire award: when good Doctors turn bad)

He's everything the Doctor isn't. Still, calm, capable of staying in the same place for more than half a minute. Cold and unemotional - pick your favourite Doctor rant on the values of love and compassion, any of them will do. I'm sure the Valeyard has no more appreciation for a well cooked meal than the Cybermen do. Evil, of course. But also a Gallifreyan toady - happy to abide by their rules, and agreeing with their way of doing things. At the same time, little touches - like the fact his Matrix is pinched straight from Dickens - prove he's still our guy.

I haven't read any of the Sixth Doctor novels, but what I know of them has "not becoming the Valeyard" turn into a major part of his agenda. Regressing to Fiveish dilemmas again, not wanting to do morally bad things for good reasons because the last thing he wants turn out this rotten. I like that idea a lot. Its also nice to know he evidently scares the Doctor about as much as he scares me.

Its a tragedy for everyone that the Valeyard will never be addressed in the new series. Eventually, we'll get to a point between the 12th and 13th regenerations. No one is going to want to address something this continuity heavy, especially because Trial is widely regarded as the worst bit of Who ever, and everyone seems to want to forgot the 80s even happened. But I found an internet theory that is a genuinely exciting idea.

Just like odd bits of the Doctor's past have been covered up by the Other (Cold Fusion seems to suggest Susan is his granddaughter, which clears that matter up tidily), I like the suggestion that sex-doll-Doctor in the parallel universe from Journey's End is going to turn into the Valeyard. It makes a sort of sense. He's still the Doctor, but isn't quite (cf: the Other). It removes the need for a canonsqudging McGuffin which magically glues his dark side together - he's already the Doctor. And it also makes sense that he would get twisted...

The Doctor effectively tells Rose that what she's got is the Ninth Doctor all over again - murderous and pissed off. Its a cute idea that she'll make him better for a second time.

But I don't think Doctor Mk2 and Rose are going to have a married bliss. Stranded on Earth? Without a time machine? Filling in tax returns and arguing over curtains. I know its what the Doctor's kind of always wanted - an ordinary life - but he doesn't want it really. It's an ideal, not a practical idea. And if you don't believe me, watch anything with the Third Doctor in. Nine's always reminded me of Three anyway, so dumping him in the same timezone for good sounds like a disaster waiting to happen. And what's he going to do when there's a war on, or an earthquake, or an alien invasion but Rose is at her mum's for the weekend and he's got to mind the kids, and the limitations of Earth transport mean he can't possibly go and help. Somehow I don't think subscribing to Amnesty International would keep him happy. Both he and RTD spend two whole seasons pointing how much more fun they're having in outerspace than her old TV-n-chips lifestyle. From Rose's point of view, she looked mighty disappointed when Doctor Mk1 left - not to mention the fact she's as much married to Donna Noble than she is our favourite Timelord. And he's adorable yes, but surely she's in love with the lifestyle too.

And before you say "yes but the unfilmed script or deleted scenes had him handing over a grow-yer-own TARDIS", my response is a) I think it makes a bizzare sequence where RTD pleases both camps by fobbing Rose off with a ripoff-Doctor even more bizzare to add a ripoff TARDIS b) surely it can't be that easy? What about growing them out in deep space so accidental leakage doesn't accidently blow up any planets or destroy the vortex? Where's he going to keep it, the shed? and c) even with a time machine, there will still come a point when Rose wants to settle down for something tangible in her life. With 50% of marriages ending in divorce, how do you think they'll do with all the added complications? Even if he is human.

The human thing is a problem in my theory, but if the Master can extend his life by nefarious means, then the Doctor's certainly smart enough to. Especially (grumble) if he's managed to grow his own TARDIS in a shoebox behind the fridge.

So here's what I'm saying - the idea was someone elses, but this is my projection:

Things with Rose sooner or later inevitably go sour. Maybe it's being irreversably alien in personality, even if not physically. Maybe it's thinking Cyber ships are a great tourist destination for the kids. Maybe he just gets terribly bored. Even if he loves her enough to want to stay for the rest of his life, the responsibility of having to stay will drive him nuts. Domestic anguish ensues. Falling out with your true love can screw anyone up. Doctor Mk1's plan for Rose's healing touch to redeem Mk2 backfires. Especially because it's not simply coaxing the Doctor back to his natural self - she's dealing with 50% Donna, who maybe is irreversably murderous. Mk2 retains the Dalek-killing-for-the-greater-good streak*. It's only a small step from that to deciding the destruction of all life on Earth is a good idea to hide Timelord paperwork.

*a key trait I've identified in Nine is the tendency to think like a Gallifreyan at first. Contact with Rose (young, compassionate, instead of ancient and cold) is what turns him back into the "everybody lives" guy (see his cool dismissal of Mickey's death in Rose).

Too outlandish? If you ask me, it's an awesome theory. We've got two doctors to go before they have to deal with it, but this is a brilliant idea if they don't.


So here I am, watching Trial of a Timelord, and I find myself moving further and further back into my chair, and increasingly I'm not drying my hair with that towel, I'm actually hiding behind it. Its no secret that I'm easily scared, but the Valeyard is a special case. He even manages to pull off the chilling final shot of the whole sequence without it seeming cheap.

Fenric is the Black Guardian!

In my recently published introductory post, I list this statement among more conventional wisdom about what does and doesn't make it into my version of canon.

Doctor Who must necessarily pretend every weekly monster is the worst ever, otherwise the tension dissipates. He can't stride in to the Slitheen and point out what we all know - that compared to the Daleks, they're wimps. This occasionally leads to horrible cliffhangers such as "it means the Master has finally defeated me!" from Time Flight, when confronted with a wall.

It also means the Doc ends up facing off Eternal Evil From The Dawn of Time quite a lot. I've never been into "lets make canon straight" - because you can't tie up all the loose ends in a program that big and long running, with so many different influences. But I do genuinely believe Fenric and the Black Guardian are the same character - they occupy the same role, and work in the same way. It wasn't meant to be like this, of course - just a coincidence. But lets look at the evidence...

• The Doctor explains that Fenric isn't his real name, it's just a name for him - he's really just a personification of all that is bad. Similarly, the Black Guardian is a personification of malice with a grudge against the Doctor. When he gives his potted history to Ace, his descriptions "evil since the dawn of time" and "two forces, only good and evil" could equally apply to both characters. In mythology, it is the wolf Fenric which will consume king of the gods Odin (who, with a bit of imagination, we could liken to the powers of good, or the White Guardian).
• They have history - they've fought each other before. For Fenric, he ends up trapped in a pot. For the Black Guardian, this is the Key to Time lark, but the White Guardian assures the Doctor after Enlightenment that he will be back. But he never is, not on screen - so lets argue that the Fenric backstory happened sometime after this, making Curse of Fenric the promised showdown?
• Both manipulate humans instead of challenging the Doctor directly (Turlough vs Fenric's wolves). You can also argue that both stories boil down to the actions and decisions of a tainted companion.
• Chess metaphors! Quite aside from the whole Black vs White Guardian thing, Enlightenment begins with Turlough and Tegan playing chess; the chess connection in Curse of Fenric is obvious.
• "I control the game, the Doctor's destiny!" - The Black Guardian. Compare to "We play the contest again", "It's like it's some kind of game and only you know the rules" and numerous other references of this type in Curse of Fenric

I'm not suggesting any of this is deliberate - it's just tempting to see them as the same person instead of allowing two very similar character concepts to coexist. It also provides a proper resolution for the Black Guardian story.

Now, Sutekh and the Beast is a different story. Not only do I believe they are the same character in essence, I also believe it to be deliberate. Lets look at the facts:

• Pyramids of Mars is a popular, memorable episode, and Sutekh a very iconic villain (also, incidentally, my favourite). This makes him a natural choice to bring back, much as the Cybermen, Master, Daleks and Davros were.
• In the middle of series 2, the show was a lot more wary about referencing its own history. We hadn't even had the word "Gallifrey" yet. If someone did want to return a classic, they'd be wary about diving straight for their video collection.
• "Your name is abhorred by all civilisations in the galaxy!" Or words to that effect from Mr Baker. He certainly gives the impression that Sutekh is the archetypal devil figure which, lookie do, so is the Beast.
• Both characters are imprisoned; both work through other operatives - the Robot Mummies are replaced by the Ood, and Toby (I suppose) can replace a Scarman. If you look for less obvious similarities, both involve a small human group trapped in an isolated area, and both are shitscary.
• They're both played by Gabriel Woolfe, and in both cases the monster can't move, it's just his voice that does the dirty work.

It's a good theory, right up until Gabriel Woolfe shows up, at which point it is a great theory. Like drafting in real-life-Doctor-daughter Georgia Moffat as in-story-Doctor's-Daughter, it's stunt casting too obvious to miss. Now apparently, the story was already in the can before he was cast; but hell, I think this theory's watertight!
While tidying up the loose ends, the Ood claim another name for the Beast is Abbadon - who you'll know turns up at the end of Torchwood series one, and spoils a rather complex, interesting and creepy episode by attempting to destroy Cardiff with the unholy powers of CGI. Even though there's more textual evidence here than anywhere else (it also says he too has been locked away), quite frankly neither Sutekh nor the Beast would ever behave so crassly as Abbadon does, nor be defeated by Captain Jack crying at it. Or whatever he does. What does he do again?
Of course, with Sutekh and the Beast both evil-destroying devil figures, and Fenric and the Black Guardian also being chaotic-evil-destroying figures, maybe there's an argument to be made that they're all the same thing? Ignoring the Guardian, Sutekh, the Beast, Fenric and Abbadon all end up sealed in rifts, black holes, curtained chambers, or whatever bricabrac the Doc had lying around at the time. But I think this is taking it too far...

Scary Moments: Planet of Fire

Welcome to the first of a series of "scary moment" posts, celebrating the best in characters, creatures and moments which had me creeped. I'll blog them as they occur to me and in no particular order.

This might strike you as an unconventional place to start - but hell, I've just been watching it, and it still strikes the same chilling chord as the first time I watched it.

At its core Planet of Fire is just a generic runaround, with companions losing and finding each other, local intrigue and liberal doses of "come on, back to the TARDIS!". Anyone who treats it as an episode for its plot will be disappointed. It's far more precious as a character study, and that's when it starts getting scary.

I've never had much time for people who dismiss 5 as bland - but I do like the label of innocence. Maybe it's as much as a front as the larking about is to 2 or 4, to disguse the years, the intelligence and ability to get mean when absolutely necessary. Whatever the reason, he really genuinely does try to save everyone, with the means as honest as the ends, and ignoring the odd burst of frustration, the occasional piece of killer sarcasm, smiling politely no matter how grim the situation gets.

And its here the episode gets scary. The nice, naive one - who blithely lets Kamelion onto the TARDIS because he's harmless, who ignores the numerous bursts of cowardice and disloyalty from Turlough, who insists on rescuing the Master at every oppertunity - suddenly loses his patience. It's probably the contrast which makes it so hard to watch. Here, he finally brings Turlough to task about his past - something he has obviously never done - and even threatens to dump him on Sarn for withholding information. His attempted redemption of Kamelion turns out to be a mistake - in this quarter he fails so entirely that we get companion suicide. Sure, he's a robot - but the circumstances render it distressing. The Master of King's Demons claims the Doctor's "moral scruples" would prevent him ever using the Tissue Compression Eliminator. Time runs out for him too with another piece of unprecedented direct murder (and possibly, maybe, for one brief moment before the line was obscured, fratricide). No wonder he looks rough when he reenters the TARDIS.

But its the dialogue to Kamelion in the Fire Hall that really chills the episode. "Servile", "slave", "silver puppet dancing on a string" - this is the Doctor as you've never seen him before. Of course, he's only trying to break the Master's control. But wheras Peri approaches him by coaxing and pleading, the Doc is vicious above the call of duty. You'll note that the Master also spends the episode refering to Kamelion as "slave". Lets not forget who we're dealing with either - even if his persona was usually authoritative it wouldn't seem so bad, but his tenure was characterised by argumentative and uncontrolled companions.

This is, of course, the Fifth Doctor's penultimate episode - but even though he's not expecting a regeneration, it does feel like the end of something. Watching one of the most fundimentally good Doctors finally giving up is a chilling experience, and equally as scary as many of the series "monster moments".

A new-old fan's list of resolutions - redux

"Peer pressure is a killer. And hence, I produce the list of eight resolutions that I need to write down so I don't forget them while associating with my fellow fans. "
I wrote this list three months ago for http://www.pagefillers.com/dwrg/, the best Whoreivew site on the web. I feel its time for a small edit - so lets go through and see if my resolutions still stand.
1. I will never stop loving Adric.
When I made the leap back, fate sent a copy of Keeper of Traken into my hands. The first thing that struck me about this pre-Rose world was his character. A companion who isn't a 20-something Earth girl - an alien, a chap and someone who can hold their own in the sci-fi world. I thought his relationship with the Doctor was really watchable. With a show based around a hero with the infectious enthusiasm of a ten year old, the idea of pairing him with a genius child was very appealing. I even liked his costume!
As soon as I got onto the web, I discovered I was in a minority of one.
I'm not sure where the hate comes from. Like liking one Baker, or disliking the other, this just seems to be one of those things you do. He's bratty and annoying - but how many 14-year-old kids do you know? Or people who are really clever, and know it? I'm also not sure where anyone got the idea his acting is worse than anyone else's, especially when paired with Tegan (who would improve somewhere after Time Flight) and Nyssa (who, to my knowledge, doesn't have the faintest idea what acting is or what possible use it could have). But a dodgy performance never prevented me from loving Nyssa, or coming to love Tegan, and it sure as hell won't put me off Adric.
Is it just a generation of bitter kids who've grown up and realised with the cynicism of middle age that he was meant to persuade them to study hard at school? In any case, kudos to the writers who granted him one of the most brilliant companion exits ever. It's hard to deny Earthshock is a good episode and even his militant haters couldn't ignore the impact of its ending. (I speak from experience here - somewhere a few episodes into Logopolis, me and Miss Jovanka fell out. From that point, she annoyed me no end - I cheered when she was temporarily left behind at Heathrow. I was quite looking forward to her real departure - but when it came, it was so good I rethought her whole character, fell in love and watched her remaining episodes in a totally new light.)
On this matter I am still inflexible. Adric is a worthy companion, his relationship with both his doctors is priceless, and it really is peer pressure that prevents more people from giving him a chance.
2. I will never stop loving Rose.
I never had an opinion one way or the other on Rose. Adorable, certainly, and also my benchmark for what a companion should look like. Now I've watched a bit wider, she also seems to be the Doctor's benchmark too - he shows a marked preference for young Earthgirls lacking in knowledge but make up for it with a sort of native intelligence (Jo, Ace and Rose to name three)
Wheras enquiring after Adric brought me a barrage of baseless hate, meeting the Rose fans had quite the opposite effect. Somehow, her character is inextricably tangled with the were-they-weren't-they of the first series. The people making videos to Coldplay tunes, and overlaying romantic lyrics on colour-tinted wallpapers. The other people, carrying the "you're a beautiful woman, probably" quote as a banner of distinction.
For the record: I don't have an objection to the Doctor being in love; I think it's highly unlikely someone as caring as he could spend that long alone and not be. I think there are several people in the Doctor's history you can point to and argue for perfectly eloquently (Jo and Rose being two of them). But please, it's done subtle in the show, so leave it subtle in the fanon...
But I digress. Dealing with these people was like dealing with the religious. There are hundreds of quietly practicing Rose fans out there, happily loving her and whatever relationship she may or may not have shared with our favourite Timelord. And then there are the extremists, the people who come to your door and give you leaflets, and start wars about it.
It's not the idea of it, but the way it was done - not by the show, but by that slice of fandom. The sheer cheesiness of the fanfiction. The use of Coldplay; never forgiveable. The implication that she was the love of his life. A love, yes, but life does go on. It might be hard, but he will get over it eventually. After all, it's not like she's dead; separated from him, but with everybody she loves (see: #1 Adric)
For me, the Ninth Doctor was all about the Time War. He ended it, resulting in the destruction of his planet, his race and the Daleks - and after that, his every act was one of repentance. From trying to help the Gelth and Nestine Consciousness whom he robbed of a home, to refusing to make the same decision a second time in Parting of the Ways. He's even thinking like a Gallifreyan when he arrives on Earth, with his callous comment about Mickey's death being insignificant compared to the bigger picture, while the concept of destroying the planet to save the universe is the ultimate Sensible Time Lord Decision. Rose is everything the Time Lords weren't. They are old and wise, she's nineteen and filled with life. She cares about a single Dalek, despite the threat it poses; the High Council were prepared to execute the Doctor for the potential threat he posed in Arc of Infinity, or remove San Fransisco from history to deal with a few vampires in Vampire Science. And he's on his own. Under the circumstances, we can allow him to lose at least one of his hearts.
Watching Sarah Jane's relationship with the Fourth Doctor has restored my faith (very similar to the Doctor and Rose in series 2; larking around the universe in a pretty cute way, and occasionally rescuing it from peril), while selective internet browsing has cut down on the amount of infuriating people I have to put up with. Let me revel in how nice Rose really was.
No, I haven't stopped liking her. Loving her, maybe. I still think she's brilliant in context - i.e. Series 1 and 2. Her Series 4 return was bizzarely unecessary, because her newfound sense of strength and knowledge took away one of her character basics. Wielding a gun and explaining the plot to Donna made her seem less of the no-hope Earthgirl we'd got to love. And no companion should be forced to share the screen with Donna Noble, really. Its just not fair. In the wake of Rose getting, erm, her own Doctor, I have completely ignored the internet response. 
3. I will never compare the old and new series.
I've got a better perspective on this than most here, starting in 2005 and working backwards. Chrisopher Eccleston is my nostalga Doctor, and he's only two years gone. There's really nothing to choose between them. It's all one show. It's all one character. Books count too. And audios. And comics. Though not the bad ones. That's the comfort of the canonicity debate: if a piece of non-TV fiction rubs you the wrong way, then you have an excuse to forget it entirely.
Never have, never will. I mean, yes I compare - Black Orchid and Wasp and the Unicorn? Sontaran Stratagem as an update of Resurrection of the Daleks. But I'm still very against anyone who uncatagorically loves one and hates the other, because I still believe both can be appreciated more in light of what has come before/ is coming. What a waste to still be stuck in 1973, and miss seeing Doctor Who in shiny CGI with exciting direction and a modern approach to storytelling. And what a waste to be so addicted to the look of the new series to ignore the story potential in the old. Really, I still can't say strongly enough, that people who entirely disregard either new or old series are truly missing out on half the show. Isn't Genesis of the Daleks all the more fun for knowing about the Time War? And wasn't Sarah Jane and Davros wonderful in Journey's End?
4. I will never admit to having a favourite Doctor.
I don't have a favourite Hamlet. I don't even have a favourite James Bond. I love them all in different ways, because they all show up different aspects of the same character. This is slightly hypocritical; my random approach to the series means I still haven't seen 1, 2, 6 and 7 (properly), but it's highly unlikely given the before examples that I will find any serious problems.
I have now delved into every doctor save no.1 (if appearing on a screen for Three Doctors doesn't count), and having a solid favourite seems as unlikely as ever. I feel that in the future I will be able to do some serious clumping - in the wake of Curse of Fenric, I feel I might love the 7th Doctor more, even though I don't love any others any less. Anyway, it's hard to pick on performance alone - otherwise Colin Baker would be at the top of a few more lists. Yes, I'm halfway through Trial of a Timelord. Yes he's bloody brilliant, even if the casing isn't. You're not just choosing a Doctor, you're choosing an era. Companions, episodes, writing, production values, interesting storylines, childhood memories. A problem I'm beginning to have with the 3rd Doctor is I'm just not loving his adventures. He's awesome, and so's UNIT. But Inferno is still the only episiode I've loved, which is why I'm unfailingly more excited about watching Peter Davison instead. Its not the Doctor. Its the whole era thang.
5. I will never stop loving Resurrection of the Daleks
After Logopolis, I continued as chronologically as the BBC DVD releases would let me, and the first one which really hit me on an emotional level was this. Peter Davison instantly became one of my top ten favourite Doctors (irony intentional), Tegan really did become one of my favourite companions. Turlough excited my curiosity enough to order the entire Black Guardian trilogy off Amazon. I loved the punishing level of unecessary violence (it's still got the highest death toll of any story I've counted: 57), thought the "minor characters we want you to sympathise with" were actually sympathetic, and was, for the first time ever, properly scared by the Daleks. New series ones don't quite cut it in the same way. And all this in a story where the Doc spends two episodes tied to a table.
Since then, it has paled. I never understood the plot, it just gets more unnecessarily tangled. Cloning is done better in Android Invasion. Everything is done better in Genesis of the Daleks. Mind control is just overdone.
Maybe I've been watching better episodes - Mawdryn Undead, or maybe Enlightenment, is now my favourite oldie - or maybe the hate it gets online has got to me. My affection for it remains the same, even if my respect has dipped. There's nothing as horrible as falling out of love and, even though I feel colder from afar, even though if I rewatched it would be as exciting as it did the first time.
But pity my friend. Her first favourite of the old series was Time Flight. Imagine her disappointment when she discovered it was against the club rules!
In the week between Stolen Earth and Journey's End, I watched this again. I can now confirm it is a totally worthy episode, quite brilliant actually. As predicted, I did enjoy it as much on a rewatch as originally, and won't forget it again, even for a moment.
6. I will watch Caves of Androzani
First it was after I've finished the other DVDs. Then the other videos. Then once I order Planet of Fire. Then after all the other episodes. Then after Series Four. I'm not putting it off, honest.
This is my first proper regeneration from a Doctor I really care about and have followed for a long time. I claimed above that I love them all equally, and that's true, but the Fifth Doctor has, so far and from sheer chance, been the only one I've done properly. I've seen over half the episodes, and most of them in the right order. I've got to like all his companions. It's going to be the End, and no matter how many novels and audios I stockpile, that'll be it. It's like Mr Tennant announcing he's going to leave, only worse because it's already happened.
The irony is, excepting Mr Tennant when it comes, he's one of the few Doctors I'm ever going to go through this for. Somebody who knows their stuff better than me should really make a guide for confused new-fans making the leap backwards, because in retrospect I got it wrong. I watched as large a spread of Doctor Who as I could get my hands on, and fate presented me with an insanely high number of regeneration stories. Planet of the Spiders was my first Pertwee. Logopolis was my second Baker. I got to know the Seventh Doctor minutes, nay, seconds before he walks out of the TARDIS and into the TV-movie. At the time, I wasn't particularly upset because I didn't have the background - and once I do, I'll have already gone through it, so I shouldn't be too distressed second time around. I only caught the first series from Dalek, so even Parting of the Ways wasn't that big a deal. I'm anticipating War Games and Survival to be kickers when I get there however...
It's a small consolation that Caves is Everybody's Second Favourite Episode After Genesis of the Daleks. It's another consolation that even the Davison-haters admit its brilliant. It'd help if everyone was less negative about Colin Baker though...

Well I decided I was being ridiculous about this in the run up to Stolen Earth, so I started laying tracks and making time. And then came that cliffhanger - the fake 10 regeneration - which completely spoilt my good intentions, and proved that there really is something to be worried about. Folks, I may never see this episode. After Stolen Earth I was miserable for days. I got ill. I felt sick, couldn't sleep and had a cold, and one of my friends lost her voice. And then after Journey's End, I didn't exactly feel like it; then I was on holiday; now I'm watching Trial of a Timelord. I was honestly gonna do it, but Stolen Earth gave me such a shock it proves I'll be inconsolably glum. And its not like DT's even leaving for good (which I kinda worked out as soon as the suprise wore off). Anyway, I don't want to be stuck with Warriors of the Deep as my last ever episode, right? At least this way I'm saving up something decent...?
7. I will never again read a novel about a Doctor I haven't seen first.Human Nature was the first pdf I plucked off the BBC website. Brilliant, absolutely brilliant, just like its episode. I fell in love with Benny, like everyone else in the known universe (even if it took me a few chapters to establish she was female).
It's gorgeously written, an excellent novel in its own right. Afterwards, seeing the Seventh Doctor on screen (yes, in Dimensions in Time, but it's really the same thing) was a horrible shock. His voice was plain wrong; in my mind, it was something mossy, like Ian Holm's. I'll get over this in time, I suppose, but it's a rule I'm sticking to. I recently gave up on The Eight Doctors halfway through, because I had really enjoyed appearances by the Fifth and Third Doctors, and missed the point of the rest.
Consequently, along with Day of the Daleks, Terror of the Autons, Four to Doomsday and (still) Planet of Fire, ANYTHING with Mr McCoy and Ace is on my list of must-buys. Chiefly so I can read Love and War; it's set in my home town, during the only interesting historical event which has ever affected us... I've been dying to read it, but can't in the name of goodness. Half the joy of both Dying Days and Sands of Time was enjoying how well its respective Doctors had been captured on the page.
What a mess. Well, I've stuck to this and I'm glad. Cold Fusion - 7 meets 5, hilarity ensues - is now my favourite book, by virtue of having waited. Amusingly, I am still sans Day of the Daleks, Terror of the Autons and Four to Doomsday. And it turns out the book I was after was Just War not Love and War, which pissed me off no end. The novel I was actually after is going for £34 second hand on Amazon, which makes me even more angry because I refuse to pay it. Stalemate.
8. I love 6's coat and I'm proud.
Still ain't seen an episode of his, but I think its fantastic. Wait, tell a lie - he's in Dimensions in Time. Telling Ace her new jacket clashes.
I still love the coat. But it does him few favours having seen it on screen. Plus, I'm currently painting the Black Tree Doctor Who minatures (about 2cm high models) of each of the doctors, and my regard for the costume is swiftly divebombing. I did the red piping on 5's jacket. I did the little red questionmarks on 7's sweater. That was fine. But this is impossible.

Improving the TV movie: Eight things to change, four things to keep the same

The TV movie looks good, but is rotten at the very core. Despite that, it's not beyond saving; it's certainly enjoyable, and it's the only time you will ever get the joy of seeing the Eighth Doctor on screen. Here are a few pointers, if they ever decide to give it a rejig. The below contains spoilers.

Eight Things to Change

Ditch the half human comment: why would the Time Lords invent a technology they couldn't use? Seriously, was this bizarre bit of plotting worth the stress it has caused since? They could easily have come up with something else (see: DIY science below).

Don't kill Grace: Grace's death is irrelevant and unnecessary. It adds nothing to the story; there's no reason she couldn't just fall and be knocked out (I believe the apologetic Gary Russell novelisation does something of this sort) Or, indeed, fall and land correctly. To my mind, the only reason they kill her is to bring her back to life, and it's the bringing back to life that I really object to. It's a huge injustice to all the other worthy and deceased people of the Doctor's acquaintance who couldn't conveniently appeal to the TARDIS' sympathetic side. It's a payoff for the naff "holding back death" line used throughout the film. Resurrection always cheapens death - see Torchwood to see it done well - but this was a cheap death to begin with.

But, as a coda to this, do kill Chang Lee. This Master isn't terrible, but with camp lines about "dressing for the occasion", snarling and actually descending into physical violence against the Doctor, instead of continuing the chess-style gentleman's war; he's not entirely himself either. That one moment of murder is perfect: a benevolent smile and true evil for evil's sake all wound up into one.

Don't muck around with time: Doctor Who has a DIY approach to science. We're suffering temporal warp ellipse cut out! What can we do?! Well, anything the writer likes, since neither he nor the audience has the foggiest what temporal warp ellipse cut out actually is. So when the black hole is about to destroy the Earth, he can theoretically solve it any way he likes, as long as he covers his tracks with technobabble. But he doesn't. Instead, he has to come up with a solution that directly contravenes one of the few laws that is fixed in this universe. Let's call it "the second law of time".

You can tell I'm an Adric fan, can't you. If resurrection-for-its-own-sake and turning back time completely were that easy, wouldn't the Doc have done it before?

There are a lot of reasons why the denouement should have been different. Why set the stakes so high that something truly drastic has to occur? If he goes back to the 29th , then a lot of things need explaining. Chang Lee's buddies haven't been killed, and neither has the Doctor. Is Bruce still alive, or has he vanished from time, or what? Not to mention letting Grace and Chang back out into a world where they still exist in a different form, which genuinely could cause trouble.

On the other hand, it does utilise time travel. The TARDIS is often little more than a plot randomiser; I've always had a fondness for episodes which engage with the possibilities and problems having that ability brings. And, as a supposed "backdoor pilot", and something intended for new fans to the show, putting something about time is an important piece of setup. So maybe this isn't an entirely lost cause - just give it a bit more thought.

Remove Frankenstein: look at me, ma! I can crosscut! After decades of static camera, Somebody Who Has Been To Film School has got their hands on the franchise, and decided to make it "cinematic". Sometimes it works (the shots of clocks, the general sense of pacy-ness). Sometimes it's just pathetically naive and obvious, such as here, with the Doctor's regeneration intercut with the "it's alive!!!" of the classic Frankenstein movie. Just because you can, it doesn't mean you should. The jury's still out on murder-to-Puccini however...

Why does the hospital have a trashed up wing? No, seriously. Nice scene with the mirrors and rain and chaos, but if it was a metaphor it was heavy handled and unnecessary; and if it wasn't, then what the hell happened there? Does your local ward have a room with smashed glass, broken dolls and rusty junk, just in case someone feels like expressing existential despair?

Don't let Grace save the day - because I'm just a normal Earth Girl too, and it's nice to know that when he turns up and it's down to me to save the universe, I'll know exactly which wires to twist...

Don't let the Doctor use the word vacation: I may be wrong, perhaps this word is used in English too, but it's always struck me as very American. Fair enough, he's a Gallifreyan, so it's all foreign, but it still felt false for me. I'd endured a lot by that point, my nitpick-radar was on full blast. Much better was the Master correcting Grace's grammar, which is perfect characterisation for him (and nice to see the Doctor doing the same in the recent Sontaran Stratagem).

Don't let Fox do it: this was always a bad idea. Fox hates fandom. Fox stays up late at night planning on how to do murder to good shows, annoy the loyal fans and kick puppies. Futurama? Firefly? As such, was handing the franchise to them really a good idea?

And four things to keep the same

The Doctor: can anyone fault him, really? Ageless, magical, packed full of that Doctor charm that lets him get away with anything. If I use the word "smile", do you know the one I mean? The beam that makes everything OK. The use of sleight of hand is a brilliant addition to his character, while all the old ones - the mercy, the brilliance, occasionally the heroism - are in place. This ninety minutes launched a character which has successfully inspired the books et al that came after. He also namedrops with brilliant style. I particularly like his comment about Leonardo having a cold. Also "Freud would have loved you!" "He did..."

The design: this film is beautiful in every single way. Someone has misread "bigger on the inside" as bloody massive, bigger than any realistic building could ever be, and the TARDIS is all the more lovely for it. Finally, we get to see the library we always knew must be in there somewhere! The lived-in bits are cosy; the mechanical bits are steampunked up, and it feels alive again. I also love the huge console room; after years of emergencies, the Doctor's obviously cottoned on that he can't afford to be too far away from it! Even the leaves feel terribly right. The costumes are gorgeous too - not to mention the leading man. Should the Doctor be good looking? In general, I don't think it hurts, or matters. Here in particular, even when the plot is shot to hell, the dialogue's dodgy and continuity and canon are completely out of whack, at least you have something nice to look at...

Keep the kiss: yup, you heard me. At least the first one. It cements his absolute joy to be alive. It's not so much love for her (she has just stuck a scalpel in his gut...), as love for everything. As such, it's an uplifting moment, celebrating life, not to mention being young and able to get away with it for the first time in centuries. Aside from the shock of looking in the mirror, regenerating must be a wonderful feeling, a sort of cosmic shower.

Plus, retain it out of pity for the strict purists. If they hadn't been so worked up about this, they would only have paid better attention to the dire miseries of the plot as detailed above, which are twice as unpleasant.

The first 15 minutes: Paul McGann, as I've already observed, makes a fine Doctor. It's just a pity for him that he passes good taste and smart plotting on the way in, because his regeneration is the point at which things go downhill.

It all starts so well! The theme tune! The building sense of menace, before the Master assumes both a form and knowledge of fashion! The Seventh Doctor getting a runaround that gorgeous redesigned TARDIS, and then redefining the cliche of "the Doctor meets trouble very soon after leaving it" by doing it instantly.

And what a departure! The classical death for a hero is doing something heroic. For one with the stature of the Doctor, this should be no less than saving his companions, the world or the universe - preferably all three. Even facing your fears is a noble way to go. But a medical botch up? How unpleasant for a guy who has faced off death a thousand times. It's a situation we can all understand, and as such more real than any alien nasty. No calm acknowledgment that the way has been prepared for; this is a traumatic and scarily realistic way to go, a series of nasty accidents. And it's very refreshing.

I've seen many comments suggesting the film would have been less alienating to start with an already-regenerated Eighth Doctor, much in the way the Ninth turned up and let us into the world gradually during Rose. Maybe that would have been better; pity to lose this bit though, as it's the only bit that rang true...

I can see Sylvester McCoy now, rubbing his hands with glee when he reads a few pages further on, and discovers he's escaped before the grot sets in...