A classification rant!

"Science is not an exact science" ~ the Doctor

I am a huge BBFC nerd: I read books about cinema's treatment of the major nasties, argue for hours about whether things are correct, can quote you their handbook verbatim and have even been to see talks. Normally, my dedication falls with righteous anger and furious vengeance whenever I feel they've got it wrong. Which is very, very rarely: as an institution, I trust them.
Except for Casino Royale and The Dark Knight. And now, it's Doctor Who's turn.

OK, so I'm still shellshocked from this afternoon. But answer me this: why is Attack of the Cybermen rated U?

U means everyone can watch it. To my mind, PG means pretty much OK for everyone, but it does have an edge. Your kids should be fine, but they might be a little bit worried. You shouldn't be concerned at all about a U - if a film does have some areas of potential concern, that's what makes it PG. Right? Let's see what the BBFC have to say about PG:

General viewing, but some scenes may be unsuitable for young children. Unaccompanied children of any age may watch. A ‘PG’ film should not disturb a child aged around eight or older. However, parents are advised to consider whether the content may upset younger or more sensitive children.

To my mind, most Doctor Who episodes are at about this level. And I'm supported by the BBFC in this: the collection is a mix between U and PGs. Most of the time, I'm behind them: Deadly Assassin, Two Doctors and Caves of Androzani are three PG rated episodes, and they're three which have actually concerned me. I'd think twice about the age of my child. That's what PG means - they are going to be fine, but do think about it. Now let's look at U:

It is impossible to predict what might upset any particular child. But a ‘U’ film should be suitable for audiences aged four years and over. U films should be set within a positive moral framework and should offer reassuring counterbalances to any violence, threat or horror.

It's clear that the three episodes mentioned above do not fall into this catagory. But what of Attack of the Cybermen? Is it reassuring? No, it's nihilistic and depressing. Does it have a positive moral framework? No. The Doctor requests his companion shoot an unarmed man, massacres some Cybermen and beats up a series of unfortunates. Granted it's not that bad, but it's still the bloodiest episode of Doctor Who ever. It's just not a U. I identified it as a Earthshock-Resurrection-Androzani hybrid - three PG rated episodes.

It's at least as bad as those three. True, it lacks their sustained dark, nasty atmosphere -but it also has some seriously sadistic hand-crushing. I recognise that in the case of several episodes I regard as scary, it's my adult perspective going into overdrive. A child might not get what was so horribly wrong about Planet of Fire. The things which are wrong about Attack of the Cybermen are out there and in the open - obvious things, like disintigrating Cryons, dribbly gore and the Doctor lashing out at whatever is in his way. If you don't believe me, look up the Doctor Who Review Guide page for this episode. Obviously, my review touches on the level of violence - it's my personal hobby horse - but so does every other one on there.

Attack of the Cybermen is only picked up for "violence: some, very mild". Not what I'd call it, but let's do some more comparisons.

Arc of Infinity: PG, and this I do not understand at all.

Four to Doomsday: wouldn't have struck me, but they pick it up for "infrequent, mild violence" and "infrequent, mild horror", which I suppose is fair.

Tomb of the Cybermen - deserves it's PG, but I'm listing it here because the box claims it contains "some, mild sex and nudity". Really?

Enlightenment: "Contains mild violence and threat" Probably deserves this, as it is creepy, but I'm having difficulty remembering any act of mild violence to compete if Attack is "very mild"

Planet of Fire: "violence: once, mild". Justified, I feel. But I think Attack of the Cybermen is worse.

Trial of a Timelord: no reason given, but it does have a worrying atmosphere throughout.

Ghost Light: no reason again, but I suspect the stuffed vicar and all around creepiness.

Maybe these things are being judged more on mood, not detail? Four of those do brood very heavily - Attack of the Cybermen has a lighter touch, except when being sadistic and vicious.

I'll change my tune for a moment to look at the highest rated episodes. That's how this all began - I know some classic episodes are rated 12, and I wondered for a moment if Attack was one of them. More fool me. The below are all rated 12.

The TV Movie - was passed at a 12, but with cuts. I think it was neck-snapping that tipped it into the 15 catgory. I'm happy with this rating. yet if The TV Movie was one minute and six seconds away from a 15, it worries me further about how badly wrong the Dark Knight's 12A rating is.

Silence in the Library - "moderate fantasy horror", justified I feel, although The Empty Child is still a PG. I think that was scarier than the Vashta Nerada - but I suppose the nodes, and Miss Evangelista dying all combine. Yes, this is very just.

Tooth and Claw - "moderate horror and violence" My 7-year-old cousin is just terrified of Werewolves since this episode.

Planet of the Ood - "one gory moment". Can only be Halpen's transformation. It's occured to me before that that's a bit much.

Dalek - "violence: frequent, moderate" Undoubtedly deserved, and good to see the Daleks getting a genuinely nasty runaround.

The Unquiet Dead - "Infrequent, mild violence, moderate supernatural horror" - not sure anyone can dispute this one either.

Doctor's Daughter - "moderate threat". Now this is a bit funny. Really? Longtime readers will know I loathe this episode with every fibre of my being. Still, is it really 12 rated threatening?

The Beginning Boxset - this is for special features, not the episode - "one use of language, strong". The only thing I can think of is maybe a scene from Celestial Toymaker which innocently drops an n-bomb as part of a charming 1960s children's rhyme. The audio release of the story has rightly dubbed the offending word over, but that's the only single strong use of language I could possibly connect with this series. That or simply a foul mouthed interviewee.

I think all of those are fair judgements. I don't think Attack of the Cybermen justifies a 12, no matter how much of a shock it gave me. I do strongly maintain, however, that the U is far, far too soft. I had to watch part of that episode through my fingers, and I don't think of myself as squeamish.

While doing some research for this post, I turned up two other Us that concerned me a little. These were Army of Ghosts and Pyramids of Mars. Although Doomsday is a PG, and it's Yvonne's death that I'm thinking of, so maybe it's in part 2.

Anyway. Geeky geekery finished with.