But first, I want to talk about Through the Dragon's Eye - an adventure from the Look and Read team that's traumatised me for life ever since we were shown it at primary school. It was good sub-Narnia stuff - children are taken to save a fantasy world because (and here's the education) they can read and the locals aren't, and they need to read the book of the Veetacore to put some big mystical McGuffin back together before the world disintigrates. Or something. I watched this when I was 8 or 9, and remember it with the terrifying clarity which you might recall your first Dalek, or The Singing Ringing Tree or something. Things which scare you in your youth never really go away.
As I discovered when, miraculously, one of my senior school friends not only remembered it, she had it on video. Coming back to face a childhood nightmare is the type of thing recommended by sadistic shrinks only in the most tedious movies; and yet there we were, on a sweet sixteen sleepover, reliving one of the most brilliant and terrifying experiences of my youthful years.
You can tell by body language when someone is scared. I generally curl up and try to vanish into the sofa. The reappearance of Charn, Dragon's Eye's villain, had me behind a cushion. And that's nothing on my friend's reaction.
The Valeyard has exactly the same effect on me, and he hasn't been lodged in my subconscious for 10 years. Is it the chilling delivery? His implacable expression? Or just the discovery that part of the Doctor's mind is given to wearing black, saying "my dear" and chuckling after all? Even the Trial of a Timelord theme tune gives me a little thrill.
That he presents a genuine threat to the Doctor helps - Trial-Doctor is completely powerless to influence the events on screen, producing a sense of helpless onlooking the entire way through - like watching the ship crash in Earthshock, or the TARDIS fry in Journey's End - but worse, because it's already happened.
The threat of a council of Timelords is also far scarier than any number of armed opponents. There's no way he can talk his way out of this one, make a quick escape, happen upon a ventilation duct or make a break for it. The immediate danger is less - but there's no point at which he is entirely safe.
He manages to actually reduce the Doctor to a stunned silence for most of Mindwarp - the number of people who've ever succeeded in shutting him up this completely can surely be counted on the fingers of one hand? And Six is meant to be the belligerent one. He knows more than the Doctor too, another unusual situation - his true identity, for one thing; all the Gallifrey background; what's really going on in the Matrix. The revelation in Ultimate Foe makes it all twice as bad - the endless fun of multi-Doctor squabbling takes on a sinister turn, as the Valeyard looks on his former self with icy distaste, and knows exactly how to make him bleed. Peri is case in point. And after 90 minutes of "I have to save Peri!" in Caves, the Doctor's total indifference and declaration that he values his own life over hers becomes even harder to watch (incidentally, Mindwarp along with Curse of Fenric are eligible for the Planet of Fire award: when good Doctors turn bad)
He's everything the Doctor isn't. Still, calm, capable of staying in the same place for more than half a minute. Cold and unemotional - pick your favourite Doctor rant on the values of love and compassion, any of them will do. I'm sure the Valeyard has no more appreciation for a well cooked meal than the Cybermen do. Evil, of course. But also a Gallifreyan toady - happy to abide by their rules, and agreeing with their way of doing things. At the same time, little touches - like the fact his Matrix is pinched straight from Dickens - prove he's still our guy.
I haven't read any of the Sixth Doctor novels, but what I know of them has "not becoming the Valeyard" turn into a major part of his agenda. Regressing to Fiveish dilemmas again, not wanting to do morally bad things for good reasons because the last thing he wants turn out this rotten. I like that idea a lot. Its also nice to know he evidently scares the Doctor about as much as he scares me.
Its a tragedy for everyone that the Valeyard will never be addressed in the new series. Eventually, we'll get to a point between the 12th and 13th regenerations. No one is going to want to address something this continuity heavy, especially because Trial is widely regarded as the worst bit of Who ever, and everyone seems to want to forgot the 80s even happened. But I found an internet theory that is a genuinely exciting idea.
Just like odd bits of the Doctor's past have been covered up by the Other (Cold Fusion seems to suggest Susan is his granddaughter, which clears that matter up tidily), I like the suggestion that sex-doll-Doctor in the parallel universe from Journey's End is going to turn into the Valeyard. It makes a sort of sense. He's still the Doctor, but isn't quite (cf: the Other). It removes the need for a canonsqudging McGuffin which magically glues his dark side together - he's already the Doctor. And it also makes sense that he would get twisted...
The Doctor effectively tells Rose that what she's got is the Ninth Doctor all over again - murderous and pissed off. Its a cute idea that she'll make him better for a second time.
But I don't think Doctor Mk2 and Rose are going to have a married bliss. Stranded on Earth? Without a time machine? Filling in tax returns and arguing over curtains. I know its what the Doctor's kind of always wanted - an ordinary life - but he doesn't want it really. It's an ideal, not a practical idea. And if you don't believe me, watch anything with the Third Doctor in. Nine's always reminded me of Three anyway, so dumping him in the same timezone for good sounds like a disaster waiting to happen. And what's he going to do when there's a war on, or an earthquake, or an alien invasion but Rose is at her mum's for the weekend and he's got to mind the kids, and the limitations of Earth transport mean he can't possibly go and help. Somehow I don't think subscribing to Amnesty International would keep him happy. Both he and RTD spend two whole seasons pointing how much more fun they're having in outerspace than her old TV-n-chips lifestyle. From Rose's point of view, she looked mighty disappointed when Doctor Mk1 left - not to mention the fact she's as much married to Donna Noble than she is our favourite Timelord. And he's adorable yes, but surely she's in love with the lifestyle too.
And before you say "yes but the unfilmed script or deleted scenes had him handing over a grow-yer-own TARDIS", my response is a) I think it makes a bizzare sequence where RTD pleases both camps by fobbing Rose off with a ripoff-Doctor even more bizzare to add a ripoff TARDIS b) surely it can't be that easy? What about growing them out in deep space so accidental leakage doesn't accidently blow up any planets or destroy the vortex? Where's he going to keep it, the shed? and c) even with a time machine, there will still come a point when Rose wants to settle down for something tangible in her life. With 50% of marriages ending in divorce, how do you think they'll do with all the added complications? Even if he is human.
The human thing is a problem in my theory, but if the Master can extend his life by nefarious means, then the Doctor's certainly smart enough to. Especially (grumble) if he's managed to grow his own TARDIS in a shoebox behind the fridge.
So here's what I'm saying - the idea was someone elses, but this is my projection:
Things with Rose sooner or later inevitably go sour. Maybe it's being irreversably alien in personality, even if not physically. Maybe it's thinking Cyber ships are a great tourist destination for the kids. Maybe he just gets terribly bored. Even if he loves her enough to want to stay for the rest of his life, the responsibility of having to stay will drive him nuts. Domestic anguish ensues. Falling out with your true love can screw anyone up. Doctor Mk1's plan for Rose's healing touch to redeem Mk2 backfires. Especially because it's not simply coaxing the Doctor back to his natural self - she's dealing with 50% Donna, who maybe is irreversably murderous. Mk2 retains the Dalek-killing-for-the-greater-good streak*. It's only a small step from that to deciding the destruction of all life on Earth is a good idea to hide Timelord paperwork.
*a key trait I've identified in Nine is the tendency to think like a Gallifreyan at first. Contact with Rose (young, compassionate, instead of ancient and cold) is what turns him back into the "everybody lives" guy (see his cool dismissal of Mickey's death in Rose).
Too outlandish? If you ask me, it's an awesome theory. We've got two doctors to go before they have to deal with it, but this is a brilliant idea if they don't.
So here I am, watching Trial of a Timelord, and I find myself moving further and further back into my chair, and increasingly I'm not drying my hair with that towel, I'm actually hiding behind it. Its no secret that I'm easily scared, but the Valeyard is a special case. He even manages to pull off the chilling final shot of the whole sequence without it seeming cheap.
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