Scary Moments - no 3: THE FANS

Scary Moments no. 3: THE FANS

Yes, my lovelies, you and you, and you hiding behind your scarf at the back. By gum you're an intimidating lot. I've gone through a lot of obsessions, but none of the fandoms have ever made me feel inferior the way you do.

I was a big Tarantino fan for a while, which felt bizzare me being a girl. Same as when I associated with Genesis fans who are, much like you, mostly over the age of 40, mostly male, and mostly of the opinion it went downhill in the 80s. Even the Tolkien Brigade weren't too bad. Granted I'd earnt my brownie points by learning Quenya, the easier of the Elvish languages, remaking one of the movies with my friends and knowing pretty much everything about Middle Earth, but surely they're as entrenched in their views as you are, having held them since 1954!

Here's a few of the types I try to avoid. You'll note that not only do you fit into one or several of the catagories, I do too. This is why "body horror" episodes are such a staple of Doctor Who - the one thing worse than facing an enemy, than realising the enemy might just be you...

The Old Guard Fan

Sample dialogue: "It hasn't been the same since Harnell left!" "Doctor Who in colour?!"

How to spot: Typically, favourite episode lists will include missing episodes and hypothetical discussions of which ones would have been the best, had they survived. They find fault with everything in the new series - from the running length ("45 minutes doesn't leave enough time for padding!"), the costumes ("Shaved head and leather?") and companions ("Kissing?!" *heart attack*

How to deal with: No way I've foud - as liking the classicest of classic Who just feels so respectable...

The Scarf Brigade

Sample dialogue: "Doctor Who died at the Pharos Project", "Peter who?/Colin who?/ Sylvester who?"

How to spot: much like the Old Guard, these folk are entirely resistant to change - only their cutoff date coincides exactly with Peter Davison's arrival. Tom Baker was the Doctor, and then there were some other people too. They have a nasty habit of considering the computer adverts with Lalla Ward more canonical than any non-Tom episode.

How to deal with: Liberally scatter your dialogue with the words "Hinchcliff", "Holmes" and "gothic horror". They'll assume you're talking about something they can relate to. Alternately, lock them in a room with 9 loudly brigading fans of OTHER Doctors, and tell them you are only going to let one of them leave...

New Series Crusaders

Sample dialogue: "oh look, bubblewrap!" "He's being attacked by a man in a pillowcase!"

How to spot: One of the multitude of believers with the common misconception Doctor Who started in 2005.

How to deal: Much like the Old Guard, it's hard to prove them wrong - after all, the direction was slow, the acting was bad, and the effects were risible even at the time. A spluttered "but...but..." is the best approach, to both keep them at bay and avoid doing a St. Peter. Just don't let them watch Power of Kroll...

Team Tyler

Sample dialogue: "awwwwwwwwwwww", "Billie Piper and David Tennat are luv!"

How to spot: terminally guilty of wearing Rose-tinted glasses, this dangerous cabal tend to see the show in terms of their favourite companion eva. They tend to gather and hunt in large packs, and have proved to be resiliant to any form of conditioning - such as explaining that sometimes, the Doctor has had other people in the TARDIS, or that he's coped 900 years without her, and that he'll be able to cope another 900. They also can't see what's sick and wrong about Journey's End. Despite refusing to acnowledge the existance of any other companions, Rose is always voted the best in a competition of one. Doomsday is their collective favourite episode OF ALL TIME.

How to deal: historic evidence has shown that merely quoting City of Death at them doesn't work. In fact, they seem to be lost without hope. Luckily, they are easy to identify, and ignore, from a distance. A scary percentage can't spell, and you can normally hear the dulcet strains of soppy music...

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The Expert

Sample dialogue: "this is typical Saward!" "

How to spot: They know more than you do. This makes them right. Always. They use words like "era", "post-" and "pre-". Series 4 is always Series 30. Actors and Creators are referred not only by their first names, but with nicknames - Patrick Troughton is Pat, William Hartnell is Billy, Robert Holmes is Bob. They never have a nice word for JNT.

How to deal with: agree. Just agree.

The Critic

Sample dialogue: "Modern Who can't compete with Classic Who", "The 1980s didn't happen", "Tom Baker's era was a real disappointment compared to Pertwee's", "Why couldn't they have halted after Tribe of Gum?"

How to spot: It's all been downhill since Unearthly Child. The rot set in as soon as the theme tune faded out. And all that awful UNIT stuff. And then the terrible TV movie, and now the new series - by gum! It's all such a disappointment. Whatever it was that got them into the show was over a long time ago - and whatever is on at the moment cannot possibly live up to that which was on last year.

How to deal with: Don't visit the Gallifrey 1 review site - jeez, is there a single positive review on there? Don't admit to liking Adric, Colin Baker, The Master, or anything possibly contentious. Even the new series is a sticky area. Just claim to love Genesis, Talons and Caves and go gently on your way...

The Completist
Sample dialogue: "I've got all 20469 of my trading cards signed by the relevant member of cast", "I have every book with either the word "Doctor" or "Who" in the title, including a first edition Doctor Zhivago", "I've slept with every classic companion"

How to spot: the completist can tell his 6Ps from his QQQs. He insists the secret of whether Trial of a Timelord is one episode or four lies not in aesthetic concerns, but some arcane system involving running times and broadcst dates. He never refers to things by names, only by numbers, and his entire collection of Dapol prototypes is noted on an immaculately list he has been working on since age 18. He owns at least one missing episode, and has it hidden in a shoebox under his bed.

How to deal with: if he has any free time, when not stalking books at conventions or cataloguing the celebrities he has boxed in his attic, actually make him WATCH some Doctor Who and rekindle the reason he started collecting in the first place. Alternately, get him a girlfriend.

Where do you rank on the list? Have I missed any?