Bad? Bad!?......BAD?!

Viewing recommendation: all in one go. Pause between episodes to think about it, and you might notice it's a pile of Morlock crap.

If you've heard anything about Timelash, chances are is that it wasn't very good. If you've ever heard about this blog, chances are I've earned myself a reputation for defending anything with a diamond logo, regardless of reputation. And predictably enough, I enjoyed Timelash quite a lot - it's not like it was bad. In fact, the worst thing you an criticise it for is a lack of effort.

We've _all_ seen factional intrigue on an alien planet before, and most of us will be familiar with the council of stern, boring elders with a token woman too. But wait, I hear you say! What about the inevitable group of plucky rebels, distrustful, disorganised, hiding out in caves. Yeh. That's a new one. And before you can say Androzani Minor, Peri is being drooled over by the inevitably deformed criminal mastermind. Nothing you haven't seen before or better.

What Timelash lacks is anything better than it's basic source. Take Mindwarp, which would be a terrible episode played straight, but is rendered memorable by the Valeyard's intervention. Planet of Fire has plenty going on besides the run-of-the-mill story, being a key episode for all four regulars. Arc of Infinity is much criticised, but Omega's involvement makes it an important landmark for canon nazis. Same goes for Keeper of Traken - as an origin story for the Master, it is much more important than the plot alone strictly deserves. Genesis of the Daleks too does this story, but again Davros makes it vital viewing (it must also be added that it does the factions'n'rebels plotline far better than anything else)

Timelash is just Timelash. It plays it straight, and with nothing to turn it into vital viewing.

It fails as a truly bad episode too. Lets take Time Flight - you can hardly say it failed through lack of ambition. Actually, Time Flight is spectacular and unforgettable - never mind the fact we're talking unforgettably, spectacularly bad, at least it's making noise. I'm surprised anyone even bothers criticising Timelash, which barely tries at all. It can't even muster the effort to be hilariously terrible, that's how mundane it is....

No. Its not working, I'm sorry. Here I am, compiling all the notes I made during the lacklustre part 1, as if to disguise the fact in a minute I'll move on to part two. And part of me does honestly wish it had remained that lousy, that for one glorious episode I might actually agree with fan consensus. I even tried insulting Time Flight to get me in the mood, but it didn't work...

So here we go again.

First thing which deserves a mention is the guest stars. I actually thought Herbert was a scream - his tourist attitude, innocent disregard for death and rapport with the Doctor. At times, this even got proper belly laughs out of me - compounding my crime, laughing at Timelash not for being bad, but actually for genuinely amusing me. Most obviously, this trip is meant to be the inspiration for HG's "The Time Machine". But there are more subtle nods too - the beastie creatures in the book are also called Morlocks, the Borad's experiments reminded me of my favourite HG novella "The Island of Doctor Moreau", and the Doctor takes advantage of becoming an "Invisible Man".

I also loved Tekker's tash-twirling malevolence (I haven't seen anything with the Master in for a while, so I'm experiencing withdrawal symptoms...) Realism has its place in Doctor Who, and there are many episodes in which he would have been completely out of place; but as this episode is, as already observed, somewhat subpar in the plotting department, he fits right in. He even gets a brief flash of character development, which would have been cute if the rest of his performance hadn't been so arch, and his subsequent death so unfairly daft.

But in particular, I adored Myrkos - his performance was way above what the material demanded, and he stuck out as a result. He was this story's Castellan in a way - the minor character who actually gets some sympathetic attention, instead of being there to die. Veena comes from the Nyssa school of spaced out noble's daughters - wooden in an "is this meant to be deliberate or is it just atrocious?" sort of a way.

I love the nods to the past. Logically, there must be loads of planets with a folk memory of a "Doctor" who has swooped in to save them (it reminded me of the characters from Terror of the Vervoids with whom he has a past acquaintance). And I can just imagine the Pertwee adventure we missed, after a catalogue of betrayed scientists elsewhere in the show, from the endless running about in caves to the two extra episodes of padding. Also, the Morlock would have been twice as dodgy (see below). I actually cant believe that no one has MA'd this. His costume suggests it would be placed somewhere near Frontier in Space...

But I am biased. Any story that reveals that not only does the Doctor still talk about Jo Grant, but at one point actually carried around a locket with her photo inside was bound to appeal to me...

Maybe episode 2 just came across better because the Doctor had more to do? Six is always watcheable - hell, they all are! Though we've established it's not a glittering example of our beloved show, or even the Sixth Doctor's era as a whole, I would suggest perhaps it's his greatest episode. Look at the lines:

"You microcephoelic apostate!"

"I would know..."
(and all that conversation, I did half wonder that the Doctor's fury was half roused by the Herbert's rejection of cricket...)

"Oh that's brilliant, I mean you've got a real scientific experiment going on there!"

and my favourite, when the Borad suggests he is laughing at him:

"I wouldn't dare, not when you have such big teeth..."


Actually, maybe it's just a Sixth Doctor thing for me, but he always makes me come out quoting. Much in the way if you ever find me with an author's corpse, it'll be something to do with Seven; or with a massive overdraft, blame Five; and squeeing like an idiot, can only be the fault of Doctor Three.

The best part of any episode, without fail, will be the Doc facing off against the villain. Everything else is just waiting. I know I keep banging on about the way the Doctor's personality shifts between regenerations, but there he is - that's the Sixth Doctor, right there! Transition between celery boy and the sneaky one happening on screen, before your eyes, with definite touches of both. God I love 6. I know this happens whatever Doctor I'm watching - it's worse, because I started Remembrance of the Daleks this morning, and waltzing in a honeymoon daze for 7 ever since - but right here, right now, right up until I pick up Interferance in the morning, or listen to Dead London on the Tube, or finish off Remembrance in the evening, 6 is absolutely positively my favourite Doctor, always has been and always will be. He doesn't want to do it, knows he won't enjoy it, but does it all the same. Incidentally, this is why 6 is my no. 1 pick for the Doctor I'd like to travel with: because he's still got a good moral framework, but it's flexible enough to allow his world-saving to become very efficient indeed. The fact he looks like he's ready to steamroller anyone who threatens Peri is also quite attractive...

As if to crystalise his differences from his predecessor, he ultimately gives the Borad the Kamelion treatment, and completely gets away with it. The gadget he rigs up is also a lot of fun - again, markedly different from the "lets walk in and see" that 5 would try. He wants to talk the Borad out of it, but he doesn't honestly believe it'll work, and he's got a backup plan. But it's not yet quite up to 7's standards of having an all-seeing gameplan from slightly before the start of the episode, and skipping the middle stage altogether. Great, great Sixth Doctor episode.

While I should be complaining about Peri's misogynistic reduction to 90 minutes of screaming, I'm actually more pleased my comments about Warmonger were justified - viz that there is no sensible, canonical way to turn Peri into a respected and efficient guerrilla leader between Planet of Fire and Caves of Androzani, because after this point she still has a lot of screaming to do. It is nice for her to regester an interest in alien plantlife, however...

And the Borad makeup is brillaint, modern even. Superior to Human Dalek Sec. One thing there is to say about an era in which almost everything else is criticised is the special effects - fantastic.

There are still criticisms to be made, of course - don't worry, gentle readers, I do still admit this one stinks. Number one is the complete lack of effort with Morlocks. Hell, when you're directing a puppet that dodgy, you do not put the actress on one side and the monster on the other, and hold camera for a few minutes. If you fix your gaze on the left hand side of the screen, it's a terrifying and viceral scene - Ms Bryant is doing her best, bless her, and with a bit of help from the director it could almost have been convincing. Allow your eyes to drift to the right, however, and it's hard to ignore the sheer piss poorness of that puppet. And I liked the Myrka.

And while the percieved quality of DW dialogue usually depends on who is delivering it, every now and then there is something truly mediocre - "choose your next words carefully Mr Baker, they may be your last."

People have called the Doctor's miraculous escape a cop out. To an extent they are right. However, in defence I would add a) the audience already knew he had survived, b) by pulling this trick the writer acnowledged that the audience already knew c) it meant he didn't have to come up with some extrodinary piece of deus ex machina - "oh I just cancelled the warp ellipse cutout and reversed the polarity of the neutron flow" - which would have been truly lame. At least this attempted to do lame ironically.

The 45 minute format does it no favours either - this still feels like e1 of a four parter, with the story having gone nowheere yet. I feel this could in time become a Claws of Axos experience - with the first 60 minutes habitually skipped in favour of watching the end again...and again...and again...

I'm interested by yet more references to the Timelords - there were a lot in Two Doctors too. Probably not meant as adorable set up for Trial at the time, they are still amusing in retrospect. He really strongly identifies himself as one - from dragging out his presidential authority to stop interplanetary war, to the highlight of the episode "I would know..." to Herbert. 5 seemed quite fond of the Timelords too, once they stopped double crossing and attempting to kill him. It's such a contrast with 3 and 4, say, who regarded everything connected with them an imposition - 3, natch; 4 the ranting in Morbius, and other places. Of course, he still cares enough to shoot straight back when the President is in danger - I suppose there's his sombre musing in Pyramids too - maybe it's Romana who helps him soften his opinion to his own kind? Or maybe the responsibility of being President does mean something to him on quite a deep level, even though he doesn't want to face up to it. Because 6 does seem dead keen -up to, y'know, the destruction of Earth to tidy up Timelord paperwork. And ultimately, I've always thought 7 thinks quite like a Timelord at times too, with his clarity for doing the numerically sensible thing. Of course, nowadays, number 10 has more or less printed off badges reading "Me Timelord!".

Incidentally, I have written a Doctor 10 + return of Gallifrey story. It's an end of series three parter, and takes its cues from Utopia, natch. First we get the angsting. Then we get the "yay, Timelords!" - 9 and 10 have always tended to see them through rose-tinted Geek-specs. And then, after four series of holding them up as guardians of truth and justice in the universe, they turn around and instantly quadruple cross him in the most convaluted and mean way possible. Sets up for an arc in next series too: a Doctor on the run plot, possibly with some vengeance at the end.

But I digress. Are those good things enough to save it? It does come back to the Time Flight comparison. I did criticise it above, but the words were kindly meant - I love that episode. It's terrible at times, but there's enough there in terms of imagination and character to genuinely love. It is so easy to be "meh" about Timelash, because it's so conventional, there's no ambition there to admire. It is overlit and lacks atmosphere, and campy acting combined with a dodgy script renders any threat very low indeed.

In a way, it reminds me of the statement I made while watching Trial - which was, these first three episodes would be pretty dodgy and dull without the Valeyard interrupting every 15 minutes (actually, it is my strong belief that most episodes would be improved in this way, but...)

Make up your own mind...but I'm off to watch the Doc face off the Borad again...